Monday, August 20, 2012

Seeing the Blessing

Air Force, Military, Trials, Blessings,

Last week, Daniel left for BMT in Texas. He will be gone for 8 1/2 weeks. The next time I will see him will be October 12. Then he will leave AGAIN to California for tech training. We have no idea when I will be able to move out with him.

We have no idea on when we get to be together again as a family. 

The entire time I have known Daniel I have always been able to talk to him or see him whenever I wanted. Since we have been married we have only spent one night apart and that was for his first processing at MEPS. For the past year, I got reaaalllll used to have Daniel around when I need or want him. Now he is gone and all the aforementioned realities of my life are gone. 

Let me tell you this: it sucks. 

I grew up in the military so I thought I was prepared for this lifestyle. But, I wasn't. 

I have never loved anyone like I love Daniel. He is my very best friend and my confidant. I miss him so much I can't even express it properly. I have skin peeling off my cheeks from how many tears I have wiped away. I wish I was making that up. It's rather painful.

I find myself missing him in the mundane things of my life. For example: McDonalds. Just thinking about a place that so thoroughly reminds me of him, makes me sad. (Anyone who knows Daniel knows why McDonalds would remind me of him.) 

Tonight we had a family over and I had to leave and go upstairs to cry. It felt weird not having Daniel here. I felt like part of me was missing. That there was no Thing 1 to my Thing 2. 

I truly understand the "half of me is missing". 

The nights are the hardest. The first day home I kept expecting Daniel to walk up the stairs and say "Sorry I'm late." I waited for that to happen till about 10pm. Then I cried some more when I realized how silly it was and that Daniel wouldn't share the same bed as me for quite some time. I missed him so much it physically hurt. Although Daniel didn't help that much during the night (how could he?), he still would stay up with me sometimes to keep my company as I nursed Grace and we would both put her back to sleep. I never really knew how much that meant to me. I really miss it now.  

It amazed me how many little things I wanted to tell him, and out of habit; turned to tell him, only to find him not there. It is gut wrenching every time.

Every time my phone went off, I quickly picked it up to see if it was him. Even though I knew deep down that it wasn't him; that it couldn't be him. 

I don't know....I think hormones are making this worse.

Thank the Lord for my in-laws, who have really just been so supportive and great. They are always there with a hug. DiAnna who was nice enough to sit and watch me cry and try to discern what I was saying through those tears. They are both at the ready to help with Grace. They willing to talk to me about Daniel and to tell me "x amount of days left!" or just be cheery and ready to listen when I am not in the mood to be cheery. Even today, Dan kept telling me that he'd call, but it will just be later. When later came and no call arrived, Dan was the first to tell me it was okay and to talk to me about it. 

That is what killed me today: Daniel had told me that I would be talking to him Sunday. I waited with anticipation ALL week to be able to talk to him. I waited as the hours slipped by, one right after the other, only to find my phone silent. It killed me. 

I know I can't EXPECT a phone call. This is after all, the military; nothing can be expected. I just hoped...a lot of hoping. 

This last week as SUCKED royally. 

BUT I am extremely grateful for this trial. Daniel and I would argue about the stupidest crap before he left and granted we still will when we are reunited. But I now realize that it's all okay anyway because none of it matters. Daniel being gone and me not being able to talk to him has made me realize just how much I value him. It has made me realize how lucky I am to be married to him and how lucky I am to have this amazing man in my life who loves me. This past week as been a real eye-opener for my love for Daniel. I always knew with strong faith, just how much I loved Daniel but this week as really just amplified it. Absence does make the heart grow fonder after all. 

I am so insanely grateful for the sacrifice Daniel is making for our family. I know he misses Grace something fierce and I hope he is missing me like I miss him. 

I am SO proud of him. He is accomplishing something he has always wanted to do. He got a job that is highly valuable to our military and our country and I am honored to be his wife as we go through this journey. 

Trials are meant for us to come out stronger and more prepared for the life Heavenly Father has in mind for us. 

They help us. You just have to learn to see the blessing IN the trial. I am trying to do that. So though I may be crying a lot and the golden arches make me sad, I will remember that this separation is only temporary and that Heavenly Father is watching out for us and our family to make sure that we have the life that he has envisioned for us and He is with us every step of the way. 

It reminds me of a scripture that is one of my very favorites: Jeremiah 29:11

  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I will keep this in mind as we count down the days till we are reunited and can continue our journey in this life together. 

I will just make sure to have a lot of tissues on hand.

military family, air force
Our last picture before he left. :( 

1 comment:

Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!