Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Am I Mormon Enough?

This is a question I ask myself lately.

As many of you know, I am what I like to call a "sort-of" convert. Meaning I was in the church, left the church, and came back to the church.

For some reason...especially lately, I feel like I am just not Mormon enough.

I feel inferior to those who stayed faithful to the church their whole lives.
(Even though had I stayed faithful, I might never had met Daniel. I know we are meant together. This was what we were meant to do. We had to leave the church to realize exactly what we wanted.)

I feel inferior to those who were married in the Temple.
(Even though I loved our wedding and our sealing was incredibly special.)

I feel inferior to those who waited to start their families.
(Even though I am extremely grateful fo my little Gracie and I wouldn't trade her for anything in this world) 

I feel inferior. 

No matter what I do...

I read the scriptures. I read lds.org. I read talks by our Prophets, I even have a favorite outside of our President Thomas S. Monson -- Uchtdorf (of course!)  I do the prep work for Sunday school so I can participate. I pray daily. I support Daniel as the Priesthood leader in our house. I now support him in his new calling. We go to church every Sunday and attend all the meetings. I try to be as much of a member as I can be. I am forgiving those who I have been hurt by because our Heavenly Father asks us to. I volunteer for service and I help out those who I can. I try to be a spiritual person. I try to be the kind of Mormon that I look up to, like my friend Becca, my friend Caitlin, my mother-in-law DiAnna. I try to be the kind of Mormon that my Heavenly Father would be proud of.

And don't get me wrong, I don't do any of these things to get callings or get an acknowledgement. I do them because that's the right thing to do, and that's what our Heavenly Father asks us to do...

...But it seems like I am just doing something wrong. Like no one is taking me seriously as a Mormon, or that I am not the "right kind" of Mormon.

And to be honest, it bothers me that I haven't got a calling, or been asked to talk in church (yes! I want to talk in church!)...and others who just got to our church just got callings...and now Daniel got his calling. (Which I am incredibly GRATEFUL and HAPPY for and feel so very blessed to have such a great man in leading our household.) 

It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong. I've been praying and praying about it and I just keep getting the answer to be patient and help where I can...

but this keeps eating at me and makes me ask myself--am I Mormon enough?

xo,
Tanika

8 comments:

  1. Oh bless your heart! Honestly, I always am slightly jealous of people who "fell away." I feel like I did a lot of blind following. But I did eventually learn for myself. But I feel like it makes my testimony of the Atonement less credible or something. You are an amazing woman. Amazing. <3

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    1. Thank you for sharing that with me. I don't know why we feel our testimonies or our faith is called into question sometimes, by nobody else really but ourselves! Mind boggling really. YOU are amazing for sharing that with me :)

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  2. You should never feel inferior to others because of your faith. If you are passionate about what you believe in, the only judgement that matters is God's. I may not be LDS but I know when people love the church and I can see that you and Daniel do. That's really all that matters :)

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    1. Bryana you have NO idea how much that means to me---to hear you say that. I am glad that it is obvious that we love the church. You are so right. <3 <3

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  3. I've always been bothered by the fact that people with obvious flaws seem to find themselves inferior to people with hidden flaws. We ALL have MAJOR flaws. There's not a one of us with only little flaws. All of the the things you mentioned are rather obvious, as in more visible to outsiders that don't know you well. The thing you need to realize is that all of those people you're feeling inferior to have just as many things they are trying to figure out as you do. You just can't always see what they have going on. They could be struggling with anything from paying tithing to a major addiction. I wouldn't worry so much about comparing yourself to others; because we're all pretty much in the same boat, whether we like to admit it or not.

    Besides, I'd like to think I know you well enough to know that you're doing your best. And that's all that matters in the end anyway. As long as you remember that you're not responsible for doing your neighbor's best, your friend's best, or your bishop's best, you'll be okay. It's YOUR best that matters, and as long as you're doing that, you're on the right track. :) Love you

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  4. This kind of reminds me of the book "The Horse and His Boy" by C.S. Lewis ... have you read it? The horse, Bree, and the boy, Shasta, decide to leave a land where they are foreigners and enslaved and head for Narnia. Bree is a Narnian horse, which means he has the ability to communicate and reason a little differently than other horses (he actually ended up elsewhere because he didn't heed his mother's warnings to stay in a certain location, interestingly). As they get close to Narnia, he becomes really self-conscious, worrying that he won't fit in as a Narnian horse. He worries about the length of his tail, which has been shortened, and he wonders whether Narnian horses will judge him for rolling in the grass ... whether he walks and appears as other Narnians do.

    I lived in Utah as a young child and have been in CA since age 12. I went to BYU-Idaho as a freshman when I was 18 (have since graduated and am back in CA)... and I remember feeling a little bit like Bree as I went. What if ... people are scandalized by me? What if I don't look right? Or I don't talk right? Or I just don't fit in among so many other Mormons again? Silly right?

    I love the comments people have already left. We are all DIFFERENT. That's part of what makes each of us (AS WELL AS the Church as a whole) beautiful! God sent us here to learn to use our agency and take responsibility for our choices. You have just described a lot of lessons you've learned and things about YOUR unique path that you are grateful for and have been blessed by. You are God's daughter and you will honor and express that in a way that is just a little different than others, though we all strive to abide by a few essential commandments! Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to be a "cookie cutter" Mormon or a "cookie cutter" anything else for that matter - the shape of YOUR life (cookie ;), while being made of the same basic ingredients as others, will look totally different from anyone else's as you rely on the Lord and allow him to mold you and guide you and grow you into something totally beautiful and totally unique!!

    Love your blog, thanks so much for sharing :)

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  5. P.S. Don't hesitate to get to know your Bishop and tell him that you would love to speak in church and would love to have a calling! Honestly, your willing readiness to serve whenever and wherever will be such an asset to any ward you guys ever attend!! If you want to and feel like it would be appropriate for your ward and your setting, assign yourself to greet people at the door and get to know people while you're waiting. :) (That's ALWAYS needed!)

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  6. That's so hard! It's hard to be patient when you want to show yourself, everyone and god that you can do any calling. But I'm guessing that if you're getting the answer to be patient then something's coming for you. Maybe there just need to be some changes in the ward organization first. There's nothing I can really say that won't help this feeling go away, but I think just remaining open about your experiences will end up being a blessing to you. People who are struggling and thinking of leaving, or people who are looking for a way back can come to you. I dno't think anyone's the perfect mormon, and a lot of those who may look perfect are all sufrace and don't have the testimony that you have.

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Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!