Monday, April 8, 2013

Shaken

This past week was conference. I generally love Conference. Especially because I love to hear Dieter F. Uchtdorf speak. (He's my favorite Apostle. Is it bad to have favorites?) And of course, love to hear from our Prophet.

But this past weekend I honestly didn't want to watch it. I didn't want to read scriptures, or pray, and I was considering calling the bishop to tell him I couldn't do my calling anymore.

My faith was shaken in a big way this weekend.

One of the big draws to conversion, for me at least, was the idea of an eternal family; that Daniel and I would be married for forever.

I had jokingly asked Daniel if he'd marry anyone else if I died. I had steadfastly told him I would never marry anyone else and had expected him to repeat what I had said to him.

He wasn't able to say the same.

His reasoning was that if I died tomorrow, Gracie would need a mom, someone to show her the things I wouldn't be able to.

Well that just pissed me right off. The thought of Gracie calling ANYONE mom but me seriously brought me to tears. I earned the right to be called Gracie's mother, because, duh, I AM her mother. The thought of ANYONE teaching Gracie ANYTHING that was my job to teach her, ticked me off.

Then the talk somehow turned to our sealing. Here in-lies where all of my problems began...

Daniel, in the event of my death, would get re-married, and if that woman wasn't already sealed--and they had children--he would obviously get sealed to her for the sake of the woman and their children.

All of this was and is hard for me to talk about.

Daniel and Gracie are my whole world. They are everything to me. I was so excited about being sealed to them because that meant in heaven, that I would be able to be with them in our family, no matter what. That not even death could part us. It brought me immense comfort.

But thinking of Daniel being sealed to someone else...somehow...lessoned my thoughts on my own sealing to him. What was the point of being sealed to him, if when I die, he can just up and get sealed to someone else? In my mind, it made my sealing pointless outside of being sealed to Gracie and any future children we may have.

I mean, it's not MY family if I have to share Daniel in heaven with Wife #2 and all their children. I want it to be me and Daniel and OUR family. That's it. Just us.

I know a big part of this is jealousy. Thinking of my husband with another wife breaks my heart. Thinking of Gracie having another mom, breaks my heart. Honestly, and truly, breaks my heart. I know these feelings won't be present in Heaven, but they sure as heck are present on Earth.

But...it still made me question everything. Because an eternal family was a big part of the draw for me. So it made me question why I converted back to being Mormon. It made me question what I truly believed. It made me question a lot of my faith; something I had been steadfast in for a year and half.

Daniel tried to read scriptures with me, and tried to bear his testimony to me, but I was just too emotional for it. (Seriously guys, I was sobbing.) I just wanted him to be my husband in that moment--not the Priesthood holder in our home. I just wanted him to hold me, and being the great man that he is, he bore his testimony, read some scriptures, and THEN held me. (That man...)

The next morning, things were really weird. Things were off. Conference was starting and I was considering going to sleep so I didn't have to face the reality that what the speakers were saying may be something I don't believe in anymore.

But then Sister Dalton gave the most amazing talk. She talked about "Acting Well Your Part" for our Heavenly Father. That's kinda when I realized that sealing to an Eternal family, while it's about YOUR individual family, it's also about Heavenly Father's family.

We are all his children and he has a desire to see us all together again in his Kingdom. We have been asked to do all we can to help everyone we can to get there.

Being sealed is a requirement to enter the Celestial kingdom. So of course Daniel would be sealed to another person. By him doing that--he is able to bring one more person to reunite with our Heavenly Father.

When it comes to jealousy when thinking about these things...I just know that I don't have a Heavenly view on these things, I can't.


I can't let the adversary use my jealousy problems against me. I have to have faith that Heavenly Father only has plans to help us, never to harm us. (Jeremiah 29:11)

It's our job to shine the light of the gospel on to the darkness of the world (Seriously, how great is President Uchtdorf?). 

When I was thinking about this I though seriously about what would happen if I died tomorrow.
I would want Gracie to have someone in her life that would teach her how to do a fouette. How to tie her shoes. How to shave her legs. How to talk to boys. How to stay chaste and true in a world full of temptations. To be her escort as she goes through the temple to be sealed to her husband. To be there as she brings her first child into the world.

My heart breaks at the thought that I wouldn't be by her side for the most important moments in her life...but if I can't be there--I want her to always have someone there that she can talk to about things she can't talk to Daniel about. I trust and have faith in Daniel that he will choose only the best for Gracie, and remind Gracie every day that I am her momma--and how much I love her.  From heaven, I will be watching, and waiting till we are reunited.

That's when the true meaning (at least to me) of a sealing hit me. We get to be reunited with our loved ones! The knowledge that goodbye isn't forever, it's only for a little while. How glorious a promise is that?

As for Daniel. I love that man more than I have words for. Words, in fact, lessen my feelings--because there haven't been any words created to describe this kind of love. Even as much as I love Gracie, Daniel is my number 1. With him, I can get through anything. He's my rock. He's my husband. If I were to die...I want only happiness for him. Of course, he could mourn my death for 5 years...then, I would want him to be happy.

Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

It's times like these that I am super grateful for conference. What would have happened to me if conference hadn't been the day after my shake-up? Daniel probably wouldn't have let me fall, but I know it would have been a struggle. I am so grateful for the words of our leaders, who constantly try to bring us closer to our Heavenly Father and help me to grasp firmly to my faith.

Plus, I am probably not going to die in a year. So this is crazy to get upset about. But at least Daniel knows I love him a whole lot, right?

Also--my mother in law said she wouldn't let Daniel get sealed to anyone else. So I guess I am worrying for no reason ;)

xo,
Tanika

4 comments:

  1. This seriously made me cry. I think about those kinds of things ALL the time, what would happen if my man ever got sealed to another woman and just ahh. It breaks my heart. It was interesting to read your perspective on this. Oh conference, it always comes at the right time.

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  2. I watched the Sunday morning session because I was curious. I can't remember who was talking but they were saying how people have the free agency to decide if they'll become Mormon or not and I was like "Right on dude!" because no matter how hard the elders push me I'm not changing my faith-- the faith that I genuinely love and am happy with and believe in wholeheartedly-- to please someone else. I have two questions: What happens if someone doesn't get married... do they not get to enter the Celestial Kingdom? and Can you be sealed to another man if your husband dies?

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  3. Tanika, you have the sweetest testimony I have ever heard. I have never even thought about how I would feel if Dustin were to be sealed to someone else if I died, but I imagine I would probably feel very similar to the way you felt. I am so impressed by your strength and the realizations you came to! You're amazing girlie. Seriously, you inspire me a whole lot. :) And how great was conference? Wow! :)

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  4. That is something I have struggled with. I don't like the idea of polygamy in heaven, so it something my husband and I have agreed to: neither of us will ever get sealed to someone else, even if we get remarried. People obviously have to have the opportunity to get sealed in heaven because there are people who never get married on earth and are some great, steadfast members. I really believe they'll have the opportunity to have a family and reach exaltation after this life.

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Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!