This prompts some early morning thoughts, so bare with me.
She was still so very new in this picture, like a week old.
Yesterday I was talking to my mother in law about how teeny tiny Gracie used to be and where she's at now. She's now walking everywhere, and she gets pretty frustrated when she falls or when she needs help getting up. She is super independent, has learned to throw quite the
Look how teensy she was!
As Gracie continues to grow and continues to hit these milestones, it makes me wonder:
Did I soak it up enough? AM I soaking it up enough?
When I look back on the past ten months, I remember it just being her and I alone for most of the day, that's what it's still like now; just Gracie and myself.
You would think I would be over-soaking with how much time we spend together; drenched in fact.
But, it's very easy to get caught up in the duties of life, and you lose the tiny things.
It breaks my heart to think about what I missed when I was in the other room doing some chore. It breaks my heart that somedays I feel like Gracie is the chore. Somedays I just barely get through the day. As sweet as Gracie is, and she is such a sweetie, she can also channel that energy for evil. There have been days where she has literally cried or screamed at me for 80% of the day.
Teething is hell and it's taking us all down with it.
As I remember how horrible a mother I have been: how I haven't made butterfies out of her footprints, how I chose sleep over taking in her cuteness, how I didn't do the "every month in the same chair" pictures, how she has spent more time than I like in her playpen some days because the house is a mess and bills need to be paid. I don't like that there are days where I have put Gracie in her crib with some of her soft toys to play so that I could get a few more minutes of sleep.
I am constantly wondering: Am I playing with her enough? Do I take her to the park enough? Am I helping her enough? Am I letting her be independent enough? Am I hugging her enough? Am I giving those squishy cheeks enough kisses? Do I tell her I love her enough?
In those moments that have been pushed aside, I am so incredibly worried about what I have missed or what I haven't savored enough...
Every single day she changes. It's crazy. I notice new things she is doing every few hours. I am always noticing new things about her and thinking "When did she start doing that?!"
She just started scrunching up her nose when she smiles. I mean...nose scrunchies! It's the cutest thing in the world, but she only does it when she's super happy and laughing a lot.
Would she have done it sooner if I played with her more? Would another trip to the park make her happy enough to insight the nose scrunch?
What will happen when she does something new and I miss it because I am too wrapped up in what needs to be done. What if she starts standing up all on her own, and I am doing the dishes and I miss it?
I am so terrified of what I will miss as she grows up. She is only the age she is once and I don't want to miss it.
all strapped in and ready to go! ;)
As Daniel and I talk about a new baby, and when we want to expand our family, I am worried about what will be over-looked for a new baby. Will Grace's needs and wants be overlooked for a baby with a wet diaper? Will Grace feel like she's being abandoned for a new baby? These kinds of thoughts make me not want to have any more children. I never want Grace to feel like she doesn't mean the world to me.
As she gets older and becomes a teenager, goes to college, gets married...will I remember these nose scrunchies? Will I remember how she loved a fuzzy frog puppet? Will I remember how she pets her face every so slightly when she sleeps? Or how she lights up when she sees me as I walk in to get her in the morning? Will I remember?
I guess, what I am getting to is...being a mother is hard.
Finding that balance between being a wife, holding your house together, and still being present for every moment you possibly can be...is really hard.
Constantly questioning yourself, and your abilities--it all comes with the title.
As time goes on, and Gracie gets older...it all comes down to trust.
I have to trust that I have been the best mother I can be. Acknowledge where I messed up, or what I missed...but I will always know that I loved this cute little girl with everything I have.