Monday, May 27, 2013

Next Year

I often find myself thinking about time; how I am spending it, how Gracie seems to be caught in a time warp and how I wish it would slow down.

I think small things like "oh, I will get that for her next year when she is bigger." in referring to a wigwam as her birthday present.


"I can't wait till next year when we can do..." 

"I can't wait till next year when she's potty trained."

Dad and Gracie in church. She's such a ham. 

I get very complacent with my memories, because, not to sound super dark and pessimistic...but what if next year doesn't happen.

This is a possibility I don't think about. This isn't something I like thinking about now. I hate facing my own mortality, because I hate thinking of my family without me.

But even worse, I hate thinking of the mortality of my family. I feel like it just brings bad ju-ju into the air and jinxes' my happily ever after.

But something is happening in my life that is sort of forcing me to look at everything in my life.

There is a little girl from our old ward, that is 5 days older than Gracie. Her mom and I were pregnant together (obviously). Her husband and she came to our open house and she came to my baby shower. They are the nicest people. They also have 5 other children, the youngest is 3. 

This woman, this mother...she is amazing. She is super mom, super wife, super Mormon. She is the perfect example of strong faith in the church and doing your part. 

Grace on the left, Tatum on the right on the Fourth of July last year. 

 The little girl's name is Tatum. She such a sweet little girl with the perfect little tiny toes (that are always painted). Without going to much into Tatum's story (you can read all about it on her blog HERE...bring tissues.)

...Tatum doesn't have a lot of time left. She has Alpers Disease which is incurable and takes a dreadful toll on the body and mind. She just celebrated her first birthday a few days ago and her mom was thanking God that they got to celebrate her first birthday because she knows that is all Tatum is going to get. Each day she does all she can do for Tatum is make her comfortable and help ease her into Heavenly Father's arms, while still holding it together enough to take care of her other children. I don't know if I would be that strong. She continually amazes me. 

My heart aches for this family. My heart aches for this little girl who is so very close in age to Gracie. My heart aches for this mother, I can't imagine going through what she is going through. 

To wish that your daughter makes it to her first birthday? To want a PIC line to make her passing more comfortable? To want these things that facilitate her daughter's honestly has been breaking my heart to read. 

I want Gracie to learn to read so she can enjoy books more than she already does. I want to take Gracie to her first day of school. I want to take Gracie through the temple. I want to be there to hold Gracie's first baby. 

It's interesting how your wants and wishes change when your time runs out with the people you love. 

Gracie could be taken away from me tomorrow (God forbid it...), I could be taken away tomorrow. (*knock on wood*)

None of us have a guaranteed amount of time. 

I would never say that this family is lucky to be losing their little girl, I would never wish what is happening to them on my worst enemy-- But, they have the gift to know their time with Tatum is short, and they are loving her every single second of every day. They are living her life as long as they have her. That is a precious thing that I know they are grateful for. 

If only we lived and loved like that every single day of our lives without death awaiting. 

As I keep up with Tatum and her journey back to our Heavenly Father, I am that more grateful that Daniel and I are sealed forever and eternity to Gracie and any other future Baby Rice's. 

It so reassuring to know that even if the worst did happen, goodbye is never forever, it's only for a little while. 

I am so grateful for this gospel that gives me this knowledge and reassurance. This amazing peace. It takes me awhile to see it, but when I do, I just feel peace. 

I hope my friend has this peace.

I know that Tatum will be looking over her family and smiling down on them, loving them, and waiting to see them again. 

My heart and my prayers are with this family every day, I hope that you will keep them in yours as well. 

Go hug your loved ones, okay?

This was a really sad here is a picture of Grace in an apple hat. :) 

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