Thursday, June 20, 2013

Breaking Down

This past month has literally been the worst.

First there was Gracie's birthday.

That whole situation was super stressful. Planning for a party in another state is ridiculous and I assure you I won't be doing it again. I had about one day to get everything I needed for the party and the stores I assumed would have what I wanted/needed (because they had them here in Cali but I couldn't fly with them) didn't have them. So I had to drastically reduce what I wanted to do. It ended up cute, but not how I wanted it to be. 

At the party itself I barely got to talk to the people I had most wanted to talk to. Family I hadn't seen in a long time, friends who drove a gillion hours to come to the party. I felt horrible. 

Then Gracie fell down the stairs and I yelled at my well-intentioned mother in law for saying Gracie was fine.

Then she got MRSA before we left. 

Not to mention the whole flying to Utah and back. I am terrified of flying. Terrified. I am usually drugged during the experience so that I can make it through it. But I can't exactly take a valium when I am taking care of an infant. That's another thing-I will never ever ever fly with Gracie alone until she is older. She was a champ for the first flight, but by the second flight from SLC to LA she was not a happy camper. I had to change her diaper a lot during the flight/travels--and with a bright red bum--it was super painful for her. I was just praying for the plane to land. Horrible.

Then I had to take Gracie to the Dr. for her bum.

Where she must have picked up something because soon enough she started sprouting 102.4, 102.7, 103.4, 103.7 and so on fevers for FOUR days. That resulted in two doctor appointments with a TOTALLY incompetent doctor, and one ER visit to tell me she had a viral infection and it would weed itself out eventually. 

Then as her fevers started going down, she got a full body rash. It honestly looked exactly like what the measles looks like, and wouldn't ya know it? The measles is going around down here right now.


I had made an appointment for her to be seen for the rash that just seemed to keep getting worse and worse, then she woke up and the rash was almost gone. So we stayed home and away from the office I am almost certain she contracted whatever the heck she had. 

The rash was most likely a fever rash, and it wouldn't surprise me because the poor kid had crazy fevers for FOUR days. 

I felt so bad for Gracie. That girl can't get a break. She isn't sickly but she sure was this past month.

On top of her being sick, she wouldn't eat. Not even her favorite foods. So we've had to just keep giving her a ton of fluids. Which results in looser stool, which can give her MRSA again.

And here we are, back at square 1. 

Then there is the stuff going on with me. I had a real and serious cancer scare before I went to Utah. They found two lumps in my left and right breasts. I was mostly worried that I would be going through it alone while taking care of a baby. Because of Daniel's training, I know the days he'd be allowed to leave school would be minimal. Plus the thought of having cancer when you have a child is super ridiculously scary. Everything turned out benign and fine, but I really thought it was cancer there for a bit and I was scared out of my mind.

Then we found out that I tested positive for a bleeding disorder. Which would explain why I bruise like a peach and why a paper cut looks like I chopped my finger off. The tests are still out on that one to make sure it wasn't a false positive and to make sure I have all the factors of the disease. But if I have it, it would immediately make me really high risk for pregnancy and delivery. It is definitely scary.  

I literally got about 10 hours of asleep in the last three days. Daniel is having anxiety dreams. Luckily for him, he's a heavy sleeper. I am not. Plus, Gracie is starting to wake up at 6 am instead of her normal 8/9 am.

This month has been exhausting and to be honest, more than a bit overwhelming. 

I can feel myself wearing down. 

All of these things kept happening to Grace, which meant they were my responsibility. Which I totally am grateful for the experience to be her momma and have these stories of "You think that was bad, listen to this...".  I am honored to be her mama and the good far outweigh the bad.

But when the bad piles up on you...

Right now, I have no ambition to do anything. I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to do the laundry. Making dinner is a chore. Taking care of Gracie is infinitely harder than it usually is. I don't even want to do fun things anymore. I just want to sleep. 

I feel like I am on this huge precipice and that feather could throw me down into it. 

It's starting to affect Daniel and I. Because I am so exhausting my patience is really really thin, so things don't come off the way I want them to in my brain. In my brain I am still nice, but when it comes out it is definitely not nice. 

I am jealous that he got a break when I was in Utah. He got five days of uninterrupted sleep. He didn't have to worry about anyone else but himself. Even now, he gets to go to school each day and forget about home and us for a bit. I am not saying his day isn't stressful, I know it is. But I bare the brunt of what happens at home. If I ever hear anyone say being a SAHM is easy I will probably kill them with my bare hands. 

I desperately need a break, but since this isn't a movie and we don't have a million dollars so I can fly on down to Mexico or to the Bahamas and have a masseuse work out my problems--I am not going to get one. 

So for now, I am taking a break from the blog. 

I really can't handle the stress or guilt of not getting a post up and not replying to your emails on top of everything else. 

I have to eliminate stress where I can until I don't feel like I am going to lose my mind.

Till then,


  1. Take as much time away as you need! You and your family should always come first :) sending prayers your way!

  2. Ah man, you have had a rough month!!! Take some time, as much as you need, it's totally understandable!! :)


  3. Praying for you girl! I know its been a tough month! If you need to talk to anyone feel free to call/skype/fb whatever

  4. Seriously, take some time and deal with your family. There's nothing wrong with needing a night away to have some time to yourself. I know you don't get a lot of time with Daniel when he's home, but a night he's home leave Gracie with him and go out to dinner with a friend, or get your nails done. You have to take care of yourself too, or you can't be the amazing mama you are.

  5. Tanika, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. That is beyond rough. You and your sweet family are in my thoughts and prayers. I know I'm kind of far away, so the things I can do for you are kind of limited, but seriously if you need ANYTHING, please call me. I am always here to listen. Take some time for yourself. We all understand and we love you.


Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!