Friday, July 12, 2013

Expansion.

Ahhhhh babies.

They are so cute.

They are so cuddly.

I want one.

I truly truly do.

I mean, look at this child! How could I not want another one?

It is bad. My baby hungry self is out of control right now.

It's gotten to the point where I am looking at all my pregnant friends and becoming ridiculously jealous. "Yes! I see your big bellies! Show offs!" I love you all. 

It all started when a woman at church had her baby and I got to hold him in church. It's been downhill ever since.

It's not that we don't want to expand our family. It's just that we don't want to expand our family right now. 

I keep having to tell myself that. 

If I were to become pregnant between now and the end of Fall, one of two things will happen:

1. Daniel won't be here for the birth. He has to go to a different training school sometime next early spring--where we can't go. He could be there anywhere from 1-3 months. We just don't know.

2. We will be moving to our new duty station, or at least we should be, by next late summer. 

Both of these things are not good things to happen right as I am about to give birth. Not so good.

Plus there is the fact that I want a good age gap between my kiddos. I want Gracie to be excited to have a sibling and want to help. I want her potty-trained. 

Daniel will also be making more money in a year. He will get his signing bonus, and he will have been promoted again. 

And I hate to say it, but Grace wasn't planned. It would be nice to just enjoy her for awhile, and still allow Daniel and I to have some basic "freedoms" that just wouldn't be there with pregnancy/infant. But, while I do want them to be spaced out a bit, we don't want them to be too spaced out. But Daniel and I need an deserve time that having a newborn just wouldn't give us.

Also, I STILL NEED TO LOSE THE BABY WEIGHT FROM GRACIE. ugh. This extra 25 pounds plagues me. 

These are all things that make for waiting at least a year. 

That's what we planned to do. 

SO WHY THE BABY HUNGRINESS?!! 

I will tell you why:


I gave birth to this little squishy-pants. (That's my weird nick-name for her.) 

She is the coolest person alive. For sure.

Who wouldn't want another one after seeing how awesome she turned out? 

But laughing aside, I don't remember a lot about the first 3-4 months of Gracie's life. Honestly, I am just proud I got through them by myself. 

But I do remember how tiny she was. That sweet newborn smell. How soft her skin was. How she fit into my arms just so. How just running water soothed her. Her little coo's and how excited I was to see her first smile. 

It's all the little things that just make me want a newborn. Pronto.

What's worse is that I can't tell if this is a prompting or just selfish desires. 

What if I am supposed to get crack-a-lackin' in the baby makin' department. What if there is a little angel up there just waiting for me to realize they are sending hints. 

I mean, in my heart of hearts I know it's not a good time. It's just not. So why do I still have this aching feeling that we are missing a part of our family?

How do you tell a prompting from a desire?

7 comments:

  1. Gracie is freaking adorable!

    And you guys will know when the time is right. Or you know, God just might do to you what He did to us and send one to you anyway =)

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  2. I want a baby so bad too!!! But it would be our first, and I have marriage/college weight that I want to lose. Plus, like you, every timeframe seems to just be REALLY inconvenient and won't work out at all. Even when at one point they seemed perfect. :P I hate the "This doesn't feel right now" feeling....

    Amberly
    http://lifewithamberlyandjoe.com

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  3. I'm one of eight, and everyone in my family has quite a few kids... So, my words are, wait until you've lost your baby weight (my mom lost her baby weight with every kid) and that's basically the only timeline that will matter. Especially, with your husband being in the military. (But, I would want my husband with me, too, and wouldn't want to know I'd be moving.) But baby weight, that stuff just stacks up. My mom has proved that mommies with lots of kiddos can be lean, mean, fighting machines--you just lose your baby weight. She's totally my inspiration and I love telling other women about her. :)

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  4. This is NOT to say I think you're fat. From your pictures, you seem adorable. But if you think yo have 25 pounds to lose, then they'll continue to haunt you. It's a personal choice--no matter what the media says.

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  5. Tanika,
    That is one of the hardest questions ever. But I will say that the Lord has a hand in things. Allen and I were dead set on not having another baby for a long while, I was on two forms of birth control, and we got pregnant with Ruth. Ultimately, the Lord took her home, but Allen and I learned a lot from her and I know she served her purpose. And I will also say that in the years since when I have been yearning for and trying so hard to have another one, I know that there is a reason the Lord has not sent us one. Everything in the Lord's time, right?
    There will be a BIG gap between Miles and any future children we have, and although it wasnt planned, I will tell you the perks. No diapers, sleep, portability, time to bond with just one, did I mention the sleep :)
    But oh... to have a baby! I'm starting to forget all the little things about Miles as a newborn. It will be so exciting to have another!
    Anyway, sorry for the novel. Long story short, the Lord wont let you make the wrong decision when it comes to babies. Because when it comes down to it, it's not our decision.

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  6. I know what you mean! I am in total baby land right now! I can't wait to be pregnant!

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  7. Oh dang, that is a really hard one! It can be really hard to tell desire from a prompting sometimes. Honestly I think the biggest difference is how you feel when you pray about it. Is it coming from baby hungriness or from the spirit?

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Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!