Monday, November 25, 2013

Walking on Eggshells

***  I am going to mix in pictures of Gracie that don't go with this post. Just as sunshine to an otherwise cloudy post. Also because she is adorable.***

A hat we were THISCLOSE to buying her because 1) Daniel has one almost exactly like it.
and 2) because she looks darn cute in it. 
To those who know me, it is no secret that I want to have another baby...like, yesterday.

At first, we weren't going to start trying because Daniel wouldn't be here for the birth if we got pregnant when we were talking about it. Obviously, that's not a good idea. So we decided on a time when it would be feasible to start and I was never more excited for a month to get here. Gracie would be almost 2 1/2 and that's kind of the gap we wanted between our kids. (It's at the far end of the gap, but still. It was in our ideal age gap.)  

Then I got diagnosed (?) with a disease no one is able to define for me. I am stuck with way more questions than answers. None of which will be answered until December 4th. That's right folks, I finally got an appointment at the UCSF Hemophilia center. (Insurance takes FOREVER.) I cried when the appointment lady called, she probably thought I was crazy.

But something that has been told to me, that I have shared before, is that more children may not be biologically possible for us. It could be too dangerous for us to risk. It's honestly still something I am shutting out from my brain. It seeps in from time to time and I have a good cry about it. (Not to mention the other scary crap that comes with 1) not really knowing anything about this disease and 2) what I do know isn't good...) 

It's funny, because before I met Daniel and had Gracie, I didn't want kids...period. And now that I am married and we do have Gracie, I want at least one more if not two. Funny how your life priorities change as you grow up, isn't it?

At her doctors appointment two weeks ago. She's just getting so big! 
We will obviously know more in a week and I am trying very hard to not count my chickens before they are hatched, but it's still a very real possibility for us and it's hurting my heart to think about...because I thought I'd be pregnant right now or at least on the way to it. If all goes well, we will most probably NOT be in the medical clear for babies by February. Daniel graduates beginning of March, he goes to a new training for two months in a place I can't follow him. By the time we are reunited, get to our first duty station, get settled and are ready to start TTC, it will most likely be August. That is almost a full year away and that's if I get pregnant right away.

So I try VERY hard to NOT think about it. 

I occupy my time with Daniel, Gracie, Christmas, Thanksgiving, work and anything else that will fit.

But lately it seems like EVERYONE I know is getting pregnant. Within a week, SEVEN of my friends announced that they were pregnant and I found out three of them were TTC. I won't lie, I started crying the last time someone said they were pregnant. And I felt HORRIBLE because I was crying over pity for myself. "Pity party of 1, please!"

Don't let my selfishness fool you; I am SO SO SO SOOO happy for ALL OF THESE people. I love babies and I am so excited for these guys and the adventures they are about to take on. It's gonna be awesome and I can't wait to see all the babies and snuggle them all! My love for all of these people and their babies is real and genuine and I wouldn't begrudge them their due happiness.

BUT- It's hard for me to not be childish and say that the world is mocking me. It's hard for me to think "It's just a year, not a big deal. There is a chance you could have more babies. You could be freaking out for no reason. Calm yourself." It's hard for me to be mature right now. It's hard for me to not freak out.

I am a VERY VERY VERY planned out kind of person, I don't react well when plans don't go...well...as planned. A year off our plans is a BIG change, especially with the age gap between Gracie and next sibling. So not being able to have anymore children would kind of derail me. I know it would, which is why, again, I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Just a wee baby of 13 months.
The reason I am posting this is because I seek clarification, mostly for myself. 

I feel like everything anyone says now a days needs a disclaimer. Like we aren't allowed to feel the way we feel without someone or everyone taking offense.

For example: I didn't need it pointed out to me that I should be grateful for Gracie because there are so many people out there that can't get pregnant, period. That me complaining about my issue was selfish and immature and insensitive to those people. (Not all exact words here, but it's the gist of what was implied.)  

Just because I am freaking out/upset/scared/any-other-feeling, doesn't mean that I am not grateful for Gracie. I will be grateful for her every single day of my life, My love and gratitude for her is eternal. She will always be one of the greatest sources of my joy. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have had her, to have carried her healthy to term, to have been pregnant with her in the first place.
Awe man, She's so tiny and adorable here. I hardly remember her being so small! Such a tender time for us.
But my gratitude for Grace doesn't cancel out my worry, sadness, anxiety over any other babies that will or will not be coming. I don't feel like I should be made to feel guilty because I am struggling with something in my life. Yes, something other people would prefer to be struggling with than their current struggles...

Am I comparing my situation with people who are going through infertility? Of course not! Am I comparing myself to those who have had to suffer the cruelty & heartbreak of miscarriages? No way!! Am I comparing my situation with people have waited and tried for years to have children? Definitely not. 

I am not that selfish people. 

I know on the "worrying about not having babies" scale I am a near the bottom. I know my problems pale in comparison to other people's problems.

But that doesn't make them less real and serious to me and my family.

Everyone has different struggles. Everyone has different trials in life. It's not fair to draw criticism into a situation that no one can really fully understand but the person/people in it. 

This is my life and my struggle, no one gets to judge me for it or take away my right to any feelings I may have over it. No one has the right to tell me how to deal with it either. 

We all get through life one day at a time. We all have things that suck about our lives, and we all have things that we are grateful for. But just because we are grateful doesn't mean things still don't suck from time to time. 

But I am here to tell you all right now, life would be a heck of a lot better if everyone would just let people feel the way they feel and not feel the need to "one up" each other over the sucky parts. 

5 comments:

  1. I love how honest and open you are Tanika! I will be praying for you guys this week especially with the appt!

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  2. Praying everything goes well on the 4th, and that you get good news...as well as more answers!!!! Wish I could give you a great big hug!!!

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  3. I wish people wouldn't just jump at the chance to make others feel bad for the struggles they are going through. No, your struggle may not be the same as someone else's, but it is hard for YOU. That is all that matters. If I were in your shoes, I would be feeling the same anxiety, uncertainty and sadness, despite the fact that I have Joshua the way you have Gracie. It's a hard situation. I love you lots and lots and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. <3

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  4. I loved this post! I've always struggled with the whole, well you can't feel sad because others have it much much worse concept. That is in no way helpful. I saw this quote that said, if you aren't allowed to feel sad because someone might have it worse than you, then you aren't allowed to be happy because someone might have it better.
    I wish you luck and am always amazed by your strength. I couldn't be a military wife or go through those uncertainties. You rock!

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  5. I'm so glad that you now have answers and this isn't quite as much of a worry, but you have every right to be sad and kinda angry about it. My sister has two kids and has always always wanted a big family, but her and her husband can't have any more children and adoption hasn't gotten them anywhere. I know it was hard for her when my sister got pregnant. Luckily foster care is working out for them right now and they are helping out three wonderful little kids. I don't really know where I am going with this, but it's hard no matter what side of the equation you're on.

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Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!