Thursday, January 16, 2014

Why I Don't Give Marriage Advice.

The title doesn't infer that Daniel and I don't have a good relationship, because we genuinely do. We have had our fights, believe me. I also know that 99% of those "fights" are both of us just being stubborn and fighting over something stupid and both of us not wanting to be wrong.

But in the end we know it doesn't matter because we are sealed for eternity. Without getting all mushy; He loves me, I love him; everything is all good in the hood so to speak. 

Never-the-less, we knew that these first years would be hard.

Newlywed life is hard enough to adjust to without throwing in the military AND a baby on top of it all.

It's a complex sundae to make and sometimes we get syrup everywhere, but still--our sundae is pretty darn sweet.

I have been married two years on this past December. In those two years we have seen a few fights, a rare disease, the birth of a child, moving more times than I can count on one hand, joining the military and so much more. We have gone through more junk in two years than most have gone through in their whole lives.

But that's the life of a military wife and that's kinda just my life in general. Even with all that, I would never ever ever give ANYONE marriage advice. 

Why?: Simply put: I have only been married two years! 

In the last few months I have seen a MULTITUDE of marriage posts of varying degree from "The Perfect Marriage" or "So Many Days to Being the Perfect Wife/Lover/Soul-Mate."

What kills me? Every time they are written by someone who has been married less than 2 years/ less than 1 year/ less than 6 months.

Most of the posts that are written by someone married longer than 2 years don't have children yet.

We will see how well your souffle dinner cooked wearing only an apron goes when you have stretch-marks and a teething baby, okay?

I don't understand this phenomenon to be honest. How can you possibly know enough to give advice at 6 months? Heck, how could you know enough to give advice at 5 years?

I don't usually take marriage advice, period. Unless I ask for a specific scenario, I don't want advice. Because what works for someone else's marriage may not work for mine. And I shouldn't be made to feel like that's not ok. But if I am going to ask for advice, it's going to be from someone married a long time, who has had children, who has had at least one big fight that has ended with someone sleeping on the couch. I want to ask from a marriage of experience, not a marriage of novelty.

For me, I still have-- WE still have SO MUCH to figure out about ourselves & each other. We are still so very young and are gonna do some growing up. There are gonna be more trials and more triumphs. There are still many a fight to be had and many a fight to get over. There are still so many lessons to learn and still so many ways to improve our marriage. We have to figure out how to make it work without someone else chiming in on how to do it.

We are SO new at this marriage thing, and I will tell you it's WORK. Marriage is work. work. work.

I want to get that framed and put it everywhere.

I don't like the connotation that comes with that though. As if by saying that you are saying your marriage is bad or something. But in reality, we are all imperfect people. We are going to make mistakes and we are all inherently selfish in some way. It's hard to put someone else before ourselves a lot of the time. It's hard to constantly think of another's feelings in everything you do. It's hard to let go of a fight. It's hard to forgive. All that is made easier by love, for sure. 

But it's still all work.  Work you are glad to be doing, but work none-the-less.

Daniel and I haven't figured out how to have "the perfect marriage" yet, and we probably never will. I know for darn sure I will never be a "perfect" wife.

Maybe we will just find the "perfect" marriage for US.

But you can bet your buns, that even when we are married 50 years, I still won't be writing blog posts dishing out marriage advice.


  1. THANK YOU. You are my favorite. I couldn't agree more with everything you said!

  2. I hope you don't hate me for blogging about my marriage goals. I would never claim to be a 5 month marriage expert , but I like to share what's working for me :)

  3. Hahaha You are so right! It cracks me up when these women dish out marriage advice when they haven't been married long AND don't have children. As the saying goes, a baby really does change EVERYTHING. They just don't know and they won't until they have kids. We will have be married five years in October and believe me, we definitely don't have it all together at times.

  4. YES!! Oh thank you thank you. That kills me too. So usually I just brood in silence (or to my ever patient husband!) about how much posts like that bother me. Bleh. People's lives aren't perfect. They are probably not as happy as their "10 Steps to a Better Marriage" post suggests. We all have to figure it out on our own--what works for you may not work for me. I'm right there with you.
    P.S. Your baby is adorable!!


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