Then I was diagnosed with a blood disorder and we were told it could be dangerous for us to have kids. We knew we had to see a specialist about the blood disorder and would ask her about children then. So, we waited.
Once we got the all clear from the doctor to go ahead and have as many kiddos as we wanted (but to just be careful) I was worried that now I wanted kids because I had been told I couldn't have one. I didn't want to have a kid just to prove I could, ya know? I wanted to make sure I wanted to have a baby because I wanted to have a baby. So, we waited.
January came around and I knew I wanted to have a baby to have a baby. I am not sure why I doubted it, but I am glad I took the time to make sure. However, I was still overweight from Gracie's pregnancy and I wanted to give the baby the best chance I could at a healthy pregnancy. So I got my IUD out (which was preventing me from losing weight) so I could start losing weight and so we could get a roll on this whole baby thing. But it's advised to wait a month after IUD removal before trying to conceive because the chances of you getting multiples is higher. So, we definitely waited.
Then Daniel left for AIT. So, we waited.
He came home, we moved to Georgia at the end of May and I got pregnant at the end of June. I had my ultrasound to confirm it in August.
Suddenly, a year had passed since I began wanting a baby and I was finally on the way to having one. I was so excited and so over the moon grateful I could barely contain myself.
This was a planned, very much wanted child.
(Not that Gracie wasn't. She may not have been planned but she was NEVER unwanted.)
But at the beginning I was freaking out that we had made a mistake. How could I possibly love another child the way I love Gracie? What if I have a favorite? What if Gracie starts hating me because of the time I have to & want to spend with the baby? What if I can't take care of both? What if something bad happens to one while I am taking care of the other!??! A whole list of "what-if's" came crashing down around me and I had a massive panic attack.
|How could I possibly love another kid as much as I love this one? Won't my heart explode?!|
After Daniel calmed me down, I called his mom, told her I was pregnant (we hadn't told anyone at this point) and begged her to tell me I was crazy and that I would love my kids the same. Luckily, she did. She told me that she didn't know how it works, but the moment you hold your kids in your arms, you just love them, nor more or less than your other children. The love is the same.
Today, I am less freaked out about it and I won't lie--a big part of that is because this baby is a boy. I was worried about having two of the same gender and if I would compare them. I would hope to heaven I would never do that, but again, pregnancy paranoia took over my brain. But with a boy, I can say they are both my favorite ;) And as he gets bigger in my belly, and he kicks more, and I get more and more attached to him, I feel crazy for ever thinking I wouldn't love him like I love Gracie.
I am still scared about how the first few months will go as Gracie adjusts to the baby, and how I will adjust to having two kiddos. I am still scared about messing up. I am still scared something will happen to my children, but I think that's goes with the title of "mom".
|Gracie and I as pirates for free donut day at Krispie Kreme :)|
But I am definitely not scared anymore about loving my kids.
I'm a mom, that's what I'm here for!