Monday, February 9, 2015

Pass Me the Donut

I have always been honest about my weight issues with you guys, and I see no reason to stop now. Though this post makes me feel reallllly bad about myself. Here we go:

This pregnancy I have done my very very very best to not gain a bajillion pounds (65 to be exact) like I did with Gracie. Sure, 15-20 of that was pure water weight because I got RIDICULOUSLY swollen at the end, but the rest of that was from my fork and spoon. I made Daniel become the food monitor this time around and I don't get to indulge in 95% of my cravings. It sucks, but it's worth it.

My left foot three weeks before I gave birth to Gracie. It got a lot bigger than this. See how I have NO ANKLE? Yeah. That was fun.
But lately, I haven't been able to exercise for one reason or another (usually contractions, passing out or ridiculous pain) and I feel like I am getting monstrous again. I seriously can't even look at myself in the mirror sometimes. I feel gross and I hate that I feel gross.

This may be the last time I get pregnant and I am so focused on how much weight I am gaining that I am not focusing on the fact that YO, YOU ARE A BEACON OF LIFE HERE, BUDDY. GET A GRIP.

Daniel says I haven't gained anywhere else outside of my belly and my boobs. I tested that theory and put on my pre-pregnancy pants the other day. Outside of not being able to button them (belly got in the way) they still fit exactly how they fit before I got pregnant. Looking at my belly I don't see "fat" I see a big big baby. My belly is super tight now, and his little butt is always poking out, so I don't see fat. My boobs are HUGE, and I feel like that accounts for at LEAST 4-6 pounds of weight gain. I wish I was kidding, the pictures conceal them but I am venturing near double E's here. I was a C when I got pregnant.

20, 25, 30 & 34 weeks. 

So why do I feel like this whale that needs to be harpooned? I am not sure. Maybe it's because I am pregnant right now with a LOT of friends and so it's hard not to see them and compare. It's hard to read others bump-dates, see that they are further ahead in their pregnancies than I am, and see that they've gained less weight.

WHY oh WHY is the "weight" question even IN the bump-dates? Whomever came up with that is a butthead. I've decided to take that question off of my bump-dates. It puts too much pressure on me, to be honest. I'll let you know how much I gained when I start to lose it, but putting it every week just makes me sad. 

Being that heavy with Gracie really did something to my brain and weight is a very touchy subject for me. It doesn't help that my in-laws are really beautiful, thin & athletic people. So I stick out like a sore thumb in family pictures. Daniel says I am crazy, but I say he is one of the thin & athletic beautiful people so he doesn't get a say.

I wish I could put the blame on others & their expectations or examples, but the stress I feel I did it to myself. Those people don't care what I weigh, and if they do, they do a darn good job of hiding it.

I wanted to lose the weight before I got pregnant, I wanted to be able to say I could lose the weight. But mostly, I wanted to give this baby the best pregnancy I could and I knew I had to lose the weight to do that. But sometimes...I wish I hadn't. It doesn't makes sense but I feel like if I hadn't lost the weight I wouldn't be so upset with how much I have gained. Because I look at the scale and I think "Man, I've almost gained back entirely what I worked so hard to lose." I lost 33 pounds this summer, and I am a few pounds off from that right now. It is hard for me to see that. It is hard for me to get a grip about it. Which makes me feel like a bad mom. As if I am more focused on gaining weight than I am about growing a human. I reassure myself that I would gain a bajillion pounds a day to keep little dude in there as long as he needed.
2 days before I had Gracie // RIGHT before I got pregnant with little dude // 34 weeks pregnant with little dude
I reassure myself that I did lose the weight before and I can do it again. When I truly think about it without my crazy goggles on, I can see that I am freaking out over nothing. But it's still hard. I'd never been overweight before pregnancy. I had never looked at the number on the scale and started crying. Sure, I'd had my moments of giirrrrl you need to drop a few, but for the most part I'd always been healthy and at a weight that was fine with me.

Pregnancy does weird (and gross) things to your body and to your mind. It's hard to come to grips with it all and from other posts I am reading, I know I am not alone.

For now, I make sure I am aware of what I am eating. I try not to over-eat (which is hard when you are hungry 24/7). I get in exercise when and where I can. I am trying this pregnancy, and that is a far cry of where I was with Gracie's pregnancy.

In the next 5-6 weeks, I am going to really try to soak up the last moments of this little guy being on the inside. I am going to focus on spending quality time with Gracie and getting little dude's room done. I want to focus on memories, not a number on a scale.

Which is how I think it should be.

xo

Tanika

3 comments:

  1. Holy cow, your foot picture looks brutal! There's a girl in my ward who's having her csection on Friday and she's been wearing compression socks to church for a few weeks now. She's totally embraced them and doesn't even try to cover them up either, I love it! But she has gotten so swollen. I was afraid that would happen to me because I already had issues with swelling before I got pregnant for other reasons, but so far I've done pretty well. My feet have surprised me. You look beautiful though!!! :)

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  2. Even still, you look GORGEOUS, and you truly are glowing. I understand the sensitivity with weight; I am four and a half months postpartum but was super obsessive about my weight while pregnant with our baby boy. However, it paid of because I only gained 29 pounds and have since lost almost 50! But I look back on it and realize that there was no need for me to be obsessive, nor was it necessary for me to disclose my weight on my blog. All it did was stress me out.

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  3. Honestly, you are the blog I look at and think "sheesh I wish I looked like that". Especially your pregnancy pictures! I'm like "gosh, she looks 10 times better pregnant than me non-pregnant. You are like celebrity-pretty to me. Truly.
    That being said, it was refreshing to read this post. Makes me feel like even the truly beautiful people worry about how they look and how much they weigh. Its so nice to hear.

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Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!