This pregnancy I have done my very very very best to not gain a bajillion pounds (65 to be exact) like I did with Gracie. Sure, 15-20 of that was pure water weight because I got RIDICULOUSLY swollen at the end, but the rest of that was from my fork and spoon. I made Daniel become the food monitor this time around and I don't get to indulge in 95% of my cravings. It sucks, but it's worth it.
|My left foot three weeks before I gave birth to Gracie. It got a lot bigger than this. See how I have NO ANKLE? Yeah. That was fun.|
This may be the last time I get pregnant and I am so focused on how much weight I am gaining that I am not focusing on the fact that YO, YOU ARE A BEACON OF LIFE HERE, BUDDY. GET A GRIP.
Daniel says I haven't gained anywhere else outside of my belly and my boobs. I tested that theory and put on my pre-pregnancy pants the other day. Outside of not being able to button them (belly got in the way) they still fit exactly how they fit before I got pregnant. Looking at my belly I don't see "fat" I see a big big baby. My belly is super tight now, and his little butt is always poking out, so I don't see fat. My boobs are HUGE, and I feel like that accounts for at LEAST 4-6 pounds of weight gain. I wish I was kidding, the pictures conceal them but I am venturing near double E's here. I was a C when I got pregnant.
|20, 25, 30 & 34 weeks.|
So why do I feel like this whale that needs to be harpooned? I am not sure. Maybe it's because I am pregnant right now with a LOT of friends and so it's hard not to see them and compare. It's hard to read others bump-dates, see that they are further ahead in their pregnancies than I am, and see that they've gained less weight.
WHY oh WHY is the "weight" question even IN the bump-dates? Whomever came up with that is a butthead. I've decided to take that question off of my bump-dates. It puts too much pressure on me, to be honest. I'll let you know how much I gained when I start to lose it, but putting it every week just makes me sad.
Being that heavy with Gracie really did something to my brain and weight is a very touchy subject for me. It doesn't help that my in-laws are really beautiful, thin & athletic people. So I stick out like a sore thumb in family pictures. Daniel says I am crazy, but I say he is one of the thin & athletic beautiful people so he doesn't get a say.
I wish I could put the blame on others & their expectations or examples, but the stress I feel I did it to myself. Those people don't care what I weigh, and if they do, they do a darn good job of hiding it.
I wanted to lose the weight before I got pregnant, I wanted to be able to say I could lose the weight. But mostly, I wanted to give this baby the best pregnancy I could and I knew I had to lose the weight to do that. But sometimes...I wish I hadn't. It doesn't makes sense but I feel like if I hadn't lost the weight I wouldn't be so upset with how much I have gained. Because I look at the scale and I think "Man, I've almost gained back entirely what I worked so hard to lose." I lost 33 pounds this summer, and I am a few pounds off from that right now. It is hard for me to see that. It is hard for me to get a grip about it. Which makes me feel like a bad mom. As if I am more focused on gaining weight than I am about growing a human. I reassure myself that I would gain a bajillion pounds a day to keep little dude in there as long as he needed.
|2 days before I had Gracie // RIGHT before I got pregnant with little dude // 34 weeks pregnant with little dude|
Pregnancy does weird (and gross) things to your body and to your mind. It's hard to come to grips with it all and from other posts I am reading, I know I am not alone.
For now, I make sure I am aware of what I am eating. I try not to over-eat (which is hard when you are hungry 24/7). I get in exercise when and where I can. I am trying this pregnancy, and that is a far cry of where I was with Gracie's pregnancy.
In the next 5-6 weeks, I am going to really try to soak up the last moments of this little guy being on the inside. I am going to focus on spending quality time with Gracie and getting little dude's room done. I want to focus on memories, not a number on a scale.
Which is how I think it should be.