As a mom, your first instinct is to take care of your babies. We are just hard wired that way, as we should be. I will 100% sacrifice something I need for something my kids need or even something that they don't. I can go shopping for them or for Daniel and never have buyers remorse. But I swear that I can get a $2 bottle of nail polish and I have so much guilt that it is out of my cart before we reach the register.
I honestly can't remember the last time I bought something I wanted. I had to buy a few shirts right after Danny was born because none of my tops were nursing friendly (or could accommodate my now massive boobs). I don't really have anything in my closet I am crazy about. It's all pretty much clothes I wear to be well...clothed. Ha!
I used to love clothes, shoes, jewelry, makeup! A good portion of the paycheck from my second job while in college went to getting whatever I wanted. I had a lot of clothes that I LOVED. I am not sure what happened to them but I know a big box of my clothes got lost in all of the moving. I am assuming my beloved pieces are lost in the abyss.
In the process of making sure my kids had/have everything they need or want (and making sure we are making responsible decisions with our money and saving where we need to), I have lost a BIG chunk of who I am and an even bigger chunk of my self-esteem.
IT ALL STOPS NOW.
From now on, when I see a pretty shirt in Target that I want, I am at least going to try the dang thing on. Heck, I may buy it! I am going to start setting time and money away for me to be able to build up my wardrobe, jewelry, makeup, etc. Daniel has been telling me to do it for a long time now, but the guilt always ate at me, so I never did. Well, guilt or no guilt I am doing it now.
Don't get me wrong, I am not going to be reckless and irresponsible about it. But a skirt here, a few shirts there, maybe some new shoes now and again?
I want to be that girl again. I feel like a big chunk of my identity is missing. I feel like the real Tanika is buried underneath brows that need to be waxed, puke stained shirts and pants that don't fit right.
I LOVE putting on make-up, I love putting together outfits that other people like, I love feeling cute and even sexy! I love having new things and I love feeling like I am beautiful without anyone saying I am. I miss feeling good about myself.
I may not be the size I want to be right now, but that should NOT dictate my happiness. I know what makes me happy, and what makes me feel good about myself and I have been purposefully sacrificing that for the last 3 years.
Today I am reclaiming Tanika.
Today, I am going to buy that $2 bottle of nail polish.