Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Taking Back Tanika

As a mom, your first instinct is to take care of your babies. We are just hard wired that way, as we should be. I will 100% sacrifice something I need for something my kids need or even something that they don't. I can go shopping for them or for Daniel and never have buyers remorse. But I swear that I can get a $2 bottle of nail polish and I have so much guilt that it is out of my cart before we reach the register.

I honestly can't remember the last time I bought something I wanted. I had to buy a few shirts right after Danny was born because none of my tops were nursing friendly (or could accommodate my now massive boobs). I don't really have anything in my closet I am crazy about. It's all pretty much clothes I wear to be well...clothed. Ha!

I used to love clothes, shoes, jewelry, makeup! A good portion of the paycheck from my second job while in college went to getting whatever I wanted. I had a lot of clothes that I LOVED. I am not sure what happened to them but I know a big box of my clothes got lost in all of the moving. I am assuming my beloved pieces are lost in the abyss.
I was looking at this picture the other day. It was about 3 months before I got pregnant with Gracie. I (basically) had the body I wanted. I loved my dress that I had custom tailored for me. I had my hair & makeup professionally done. I felt like a million bucks. This also happened to be the day of Daniels' and my first date, I totally credit that dress for making Daniel fall in love with me ;) Sadly, I now have no idea where that dress is, I couldn't wear it (for many reasons) if I did. 
When I got pregnant with Grace,  I couldn't fit into my normal clothes so they got boxed up. I never buy new ones because I don't want to waste money on clothes I hopefully won't fit into much longer. The idea of heels while pregnant or carrying a newborn freaked me out, I didn't want to trip and hurt the baby. I didn't want to spend money on a new bag when that just added to the daily junk I had to carry around for baby Grace (and now baby Danny). My hair has been neglected, it's so sad. It had been almost a year since I had it even CUT when I went in February to get it done. Makeup--my true love. I can't justify buying $40 blush and $50 foundation anymore. That's a giant box of diapers, a weeks worth of produce, half our Costco bill!!! I just couldn't (and can't) justify it.

In the process of making sure my kids had/have everything they need or want (and making sure we are making responsible decisions with our money and saving where we need to), I have lost a BIG chunk of who I am and an even bigger chunk of my self-esteem.

IT ALL STOPS NOW.

From now on, when I see a pretty shirt in Target that I want, I am at least going to try the dang thing on. Heck, I may buy it! I am going to start setting time and money away for me to be able to build up my wardrobe, jewelry, makeup, etc. Daniel has been telling me to do it for a long time now, but the guilt always ate at me, so I never did. Well, guilt or no guilt I am doing it now.

Don't get me wrong, I am not going to be reckless and irresponsible about it. But a skirt here, a few shirts there, maybe some new shoes now and again?

I want to be that girl again. I feel like a big chunk of my identity is missing. I feel like the real Tanika is buried underneath brows that need to be waxed, puke stained shirts and pants that don't fit right.

I LOVE putting on make-up, I love putting together outfits that other people like, I love feeling cute and even sexy! I love having new things and I love feeling like I am beautiful without anyone saying I am. I miss feeling good about myself.

I may not be the size I want to be right now, but that should NOT dictate my happiness. I know what makes me happy, and what makes me feel good about myself and I have been purposefully sacrificing that for the last 3 years.

Today I am reclaiming Tanika.

Today, I am going to buy that $2 bottle of nail polish.

xo,
Tanika

2 comments:

  1. Yes!!! Do it!!! :) We still have our envelope system, so I won't feel bad buying for myself. Baby even has an envelope for clothes and toys, so I don't feel guilty if I go on a spending spree when I see things he "has to have" you know?!

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  2. I think that almost every mom feels like this at some point. I know I have! This past year I have finally started doing things for me and feel more like me than I have in over five years. It feels amazing. Go get that cute shirt!

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