Thursday, July 30, 2015

It's Been A Hard Day's Night

I am sure you have all noticed I have been gone from the blog-o-sphere for a month.

(Well maybe you didn't. But if you are reading this you now know I have been.) 

I will be honest and tell you that this last month has been the hardest month on me and my family. In the span of a week and a half.

  • First and foremost, after heading the advice of some friends and my husband...I was diagnosed with post-partum anxiety. It has gotten really bad. I mean, if you know my enough you know that I don't like therapy or therapists, and here I am, willingly going to one. Because I hate this & I want to fix it. (Separate post on this coming later...) 
  • I was told my son is very close to failure to thrive because of he had only gained ONE pound in TWO months. So he had to go on formula. I could no longer nurse him as a meal, I could comfort nurse if I wanted to, but formula had/has to be his main meal and I had/have to write down exactly how much he eats in a day and have it all prepared for a weight check in a month. I feel like I failed my son. Which is stupid because that's not even in my belief system at all. 
  • I got mastitis very bad in my right breast and because I ignored it for three days, got an abscess that I need to see a surgeon about but because I went to the ER for the mastitis (under the advisement of the military medical center), and the ER is who gave me the referral for the surgeon, I can't go to the surgeon because my PCM doesn't see it necessary that I need to see said surgeon. So now I have to wait another week to get IN to see my PCM and at least another TWO weeks after that to get the appointment scheduled and who KNOWS how much longer after THAT to even get IN to see the surgeon. Sometimes military healthcare REALLY sucks. 
  • Due to a severe migraine, I missed my neurology appointment (hilarious, right?) & they are booked through September.
  • I was told I had to get a root canal because I had a tooth crowned two years ago and that dentist didn't do it properly. YAY! 
  • That root canal was going to cost around a grand. Joyful. 
All of this...has been crushing me. I spend more time than I'd like in bed. I spend more time than I'd like just trying to get through the day. 

I feel bad for my husband who has to pick up my slack. I feel bad that he doesn't get a break when he gets home from work because more times than not, he is my relief and I go lay down when he gets home. 

I am not myself lately and it freaking sucks. I'm not depressed but I can tell if this goes on much longer, I will be. 

This month has just been really hard. I miss my family. Even though I am in the same house with them, I don't feel I am WITH them. I am so desperately sick of being sick. I want to spend time with my family and not be in pain. I want to spend time with my husband without falling asleep on his lap. I'd love to be able to do more things with my children who are just growing up way too fast. I miss Utah. I miss ME.

I am praying to be strengthened through these trials. I am praying...well, I am just praying. A lot. 

and counting down the days till August.

xo,

Tanika 

8 comments:

  1. Oh, Tanika, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry. I can relate to so much of this. You are definitely in my prayers and I do hope that something really beautiful emerges from this.

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  2. Oh, Tanika, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry. I can relate to so much of this. You are definitely in my prayers and I do hope that something really beautiful emerges from this.

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  3. I hope things start to get better friend!! That is a lot to carry at once, but you are amazing and your kids know you are amazing and you can do this, I know it!!!

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  4. I am so sorry this is all happening to you Tanika but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope things start to get better. We completely understand why you took a whole month off from this blog and we will still be here if you need to take another month off. Please go and look after yourself as best as you can and don't worry about this little space it'll still be here!

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  5. Come over and hang out. Contact with friends would help you I'm sure! And we'd love to see you! Karina is always asking about Gracie! It's not like you live that far. I can see your roof from my driveway ;)

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  6. Oh my goodness, I am sorry! That is all so rough! Prayers for you!

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  7. Good luck girl, I abcessed when my little guy was a month and it SUCKS, you have to have it drained and packed daily :( Many prayers your way! I would never wish mastitis on my worst enemy!

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  8. Praying things are looking up in your neck of the woods. Sometimes the hits just keep coming, but I have faith that everything happens for a reason and eventually you will pop out on the brighter side.

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Thanks for taking the time to say something back! :) One sided conversations are never any fun! :) Thanks for reading!