Saturday, January 23, 2016

Losing control

Since December I have felt this anger building up.

It started while we were in Utah. Things just became stressful and dramatic. Something was said by a family member that really hurt my feelings and I haven't been able to get over it. Then we left to go home...and Grace puked at the terminal doors. All over herself, and me and just everywhere really. She puked three times. She was sick and running a fever the whole flight and had to be cleared to fly for our connection. Daniel barely got back in time with children's tylenol before our connection left. 

Then we get to the airport and wait an HOUR for our bags and the airport staff thought they'd been rerouted due to weather. We FINALLY get to our car at 2 in the morning......only to find out that our car had been broken into and WE WERE NOT NOTIFIED. 

Long AGGRAVATING story later -- the car was left unsecured and our car became infested with ants. The door and the console were broken due to the break-in and the ants started eating away the sealing of the doors. (Luckily, I keep the car empty so nothing was stolen.) So then we had to pay our deductible RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS AND VACATION for someone else's poor actions. That just makes me so mad. I am fine paying for my actions but I really don't like paying for someone else's.


This was AT NIGHT. In the daylight...multiply this by a bazillion. Infestation is not a great enough word. 

I was able to see the blessings in the situation: we had lots of people come and help us, friends lent us their car for a week while ours was being repaired, many brought us dinner...we felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many willing servants of our Heavenly Father during a really crappy time.

But despite the blessings, that was just the start of the unraveling. 

I am still mad that I had to pay for someone else's crappy decisions. 

Grace is just a stink more days than not.

I switched her ballet studios and I am so mad I didn't do it sooner.

I knew she was being taught bad habits and didn't switch her and boy are we paying for it now. 

Danny is teething and wakes up 6-8 times a night on a good night. 

My mother and I don't have a relationship due to her poor life choices. It's been 2 years since we have been on good terms. Same with one of my sisters. 

My grandma and my grandpa are both sick. 

My grandpa almost died due to my mother overdosing him accidentally. He is still in the hospital.

How cute are they? Seriously. <3 The best grandparents a girl could ask for.


And other things have happened in my personal life that have just really made me doubt myself, my relationships, and I just feel like I have no control over anything. 

And it's making me angry. 

Usually I can get out of it. Usually it only lasts a day, I go to bed early and wake up the next day better. But I can't shake this. 

I am angry most of the time. I have no patience for anything or really anyone. 

I wish I could stop being so angry. It's not me and I spend a good portion of my night feeling horrible about my day. 

I am trying but I just feel like I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. "What else can go wrong?" is a question I don't ask anymore, because the shoe always drops with what exactly can go wrong.

I just don't want to be mad anymore, but I am not sure how to fix it.

I need the tide to turn, I need something good to happen. some sort of sign that this parade of horrible has an end.

Till then, I am stuck in anger limbo. Maybe I just need a good cry?


2 comments:

  1. I have no words of advice... Just empathy! The phrase "when it rains, it pours" has been relevant so many times in my life, like it sounds like it is right now in yours. I pray this is just a season in your life that will pass... A season that you'll never forget but that it part of your story and something you'll be able to use toe encourage others with later.

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  2. I had a few months like that, although nowhere near as many bad things happening, I was just consumed by soo much anger. It was really starting to affect my relationships with my husband, in laws, and family. I remember praying constantly for that anger to go away and for things to get better and feeling like it was never going to end. And it did. It was a gradual process though, until one day it was just gone. My anxiety was definitely a factor in that as well, so dealing with that definitely helped, along with really talking things out until my husband understood me. Everything didn't just magically go away, but the anger did. I don't know if this helps or not, but just wanted to share that I've been in a place of so much anger and hurt and that it was lifted, i just had to keep on going and asking Heavenly Father, even though it felt like he wasn't listening but I know he was. Months later, being able to look at all those things going on that caused me so much anger I was able to see that they were necessary to get me where I was supposed to be. Just one example, my inlaws totally ruined when we'd had our sealing set up, because they don't know were members. I'd planned it in Utah and because of that had to move everything and do it at home, making it impossible for family I wanted to be there be there. I was so mad at them for ruining that for me, along with other things. Well, months later it ended up that everyone plus some mentors of mine were able to come because we moved the date and location. I hope that you're able to see relief soon and that things start getting better.

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