We have kept this off social media and except for some people at our church and a few family and friends, not many know.
But Daniel is deployed.
He is overseas.
He is gone for awhile.
This has been such a hard thing for me to deal with. This is our first deployment and I am just feeling...Anger? Sadness? Scared? Grateful? ALL OF THE ABOVE?!?
I am scared of where he is deployed to. I am scared he won't come home. I am scared that the moment I said goodbye will be the last time I see him alive. I know that he is relatively safe. I mean, he isn't special ops or on the front line so he isn't in a crazy dangerous job...but it's not like deployments in war torn countries where people tend to use themselves as bombs are exactly safe. Know what I mean? It's not like he is in Montana.
I am sad because of the time Daniel is going to miss. He will miss Gracie's first ballet recital, her 4th birthday, her first day of school. So many milestones for Gracie and her dad won't be there for them.
Danny will change SO much in the time Daniel is gone. Danny LOVES his Daddy, they are buddies. I am worried that will change while Daniel is gone. I am worried that Danny will forget Daniel. That thought breaks my heart.
I am worried about Gracie because she will KNOW he is gone. On the TDY's Daniel went on she asked me every day where her Daddy was. It's going to be so hard to tell her every time she asks that he isn't coming home for awhile.
I am angry because I hate that this is a part of Daniel's job. I hate that to move forward with his job and his potential career with the military--he has to deploy. I feel robbed of the time we are losing.
I am grateful because we got time to prepare. We've known about it for a few months. Most people only get weeks, heck some only get days. I am grateful that Daniel is excited to go. I am grateful my husband is devout patriot of this country and is sacrificing his time with us to go and make as much of a difference as he can. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to be supportive of him and his job and our country.
I am grateful for friends who have stopped by and shown their love and support. I am grateful to know that I am not completely alone and I am comforted by my fellow military spouses whose advise and love is invaluable to me. I know that they make Daniel more at ease too. I am also grateful for family, who have seen me cry, who love me and call me to check in. I feel the love, ya'll.
I am ANGRY at those who say things like "It's only "x amount of time"! It could be "x amount of time" longer" or "You knew what you were signing up for!" or "Oh he's in the Air Force! He isn't in "name any other branch of the military here"! He will be fine." and really just anything else that lessens the huge trial we are all going through.
First off, it doesn't matter how long Daniel is gone for. He is a valued and much beloved member of this household. We love him and we miss him terribly.
Second...the whole "we knew what we were signing up for" is just baloney. Just because you are in the military doesn't mean you come ready to send your husband/wife overseas. YOU CAN NEVER BE READY FOR IT. EVER EVER EVER. Just because we know what is required of our men and women in uniform, doesn't make it any easier for them to go overseas and it sure doesn't make it any easier to send them there. How can you possibly be ready for a three year old asking where her Daddy is every minute of every day and explaining why he isn't there to say prayers at night? You can't. You can't prepare for your son looking around for his Dad and realizing he isn't there. It's incredibly heart breaking.
Lastly...why do we do this branch bashing thing? It drives me nuts. My father was a Green Beret in the Army. Daniel has a brother form another mother in the Marines. Daniel's grandfather was in the Navy. Do you think I look at any of them and think that one of their services mean more than the others? Because I don't. Each of them signed up to protect this country to the very best of their ability and each of them has made huge sacrifices. They serve the same mission, they have brothers and sisters in arms who have died for the same mission. I look at all branches of the military with respect. As EVERYONE should. Do you think a suicide bomber cares what branch of the military you are? Keep that in mind the next time you want to branch bash a service member who is deployed...especially when you are safe at home.
I have been nice and cordial to those who have said these things to me in the last few months, but fair warning, I won't be anymore. If you can't be respectful of what my family is going through right now, then please, just don't say anything.
I am incredibly sad right now. I miss my best friend. It's incomparable to think about not hugging him, kissing him, cuddling with him, running my hands through his hair...for such a long period of time.
I miss my Airman.
We took this picture two days before he left. :(