It has been hard since Daniel has been gone.
I feel like that's a "duh" statement.
But man, that first week whooped me in the butt.
I think it is because I knew he wasn't coming home at the end of the week. It was a big PANG of realization and I just got so sad and very overwhelmed.
I was really realizing that I am on my own here. I don't get any rest or relief. I am the mom and the dad for the next x amount of time. No one on the other side of the bed. No one to talk to at night. No one but me and the kiddos. There was no more denial about the situation.
All of this smashed me in the face one night and I just had a full on meltdown. Like...gross sobbing meltdown. (I now know that this meltdown was aided by PMS...it explains so much, really.)
Add the fact that Danny has been teething and not sleeping.....well it is just a little ROUGH over here.
When you are sleep deprived, lonely and your anxiety is THROUGH.THE.ROOF...you get a little snappy and impatient with the tiny humans who expel all of their energy and frustrations at JUST you 24/7.
I've been feeling so bad about it, but another sleepless night and a cranky baby and a defiant kid...it all just goes to hell in a hand basket by bedtime aaaannnddd then we start the process over again. Don't get me wrong, we have moments in the day that are so wonderful!!! Then...something happens and down into the tornado we go.
I am not lying when I say I have cried myself to sleep the majority of nights since Daniel has been gone and it's not just because I miss Daniel. I get this gross guilt feeling in my stomach and hope tomorrow will be a better day. That's all I can do, really. But each day I wake up and I wish that I had a break or maybe five more minutes of sleep. I know I won't get one anytime soon and it just breaks me down even more.
The other night I was cleaning up after the kids were in bed, and I looked into the sink and I saw Gracie's plate and tiny fork from dinner. I smiled.
She is so good at clearing the table when she is done with dinner.
These kids are hurting like I am. They miss their daddy just like I miss my husband.
I have been so selfish with my emotions and it just isn't fair.
It was a big realization of:
HEY GIRL! PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON! LET'S GO!
I am hurting. I miss Daniel so much, and I am truly sleep deprived right now. But I have to heal their little hearts and put my emotions on the back burner. I hate to think I am adding to their pain right now, but that is the reality. I am not going to be too hard on myself, I am not THAT bad. But I know I am not giving them what they deserve. I am taking my sadness out on them and that's not fair to anyone.
I need to look at this as a way to get that much closer to my kids. I get all the snuggles, all the kisses, all the bedtime prayers, all the everything. I need to refill my half empty glass.
I am grateful for every day I have with these kids. I am grateful to be their mom and to be able to get them through the hard times like this.
I am grateful for the tiny forks in my sink.