Then I was just in a funk after that.
On top of my own feelings which are HARD to deal with, I have a 4 year old who has her own set of feelings. She is honestly and desperately sad that her Dad isn't here. I hate how much she misses him, not because she shouldn't miss her dad--of course she should! But because it causes her so much pain. There have been a few instances where she just gets really sad out of the blue and starts crying and says she misses her Dad and she doesn't have a Dad anymore.
My heart has been completely broken by her pain. I will tell you this, if I have a say in it, Daniel will never go on another deployment again. I won't see my kids go though this pain again. I physically can't do it. Her pain hurts way worse than my own does. It absolutely guts me to hear that she talks to her sunday school teachers about how much she misses him. It tears me UP to see her see other kids Daddy's and ask where hers is. It's just so painful. I can't imagine how she feels, because I at least have the understanding of time and that he will be coming home. To her, he is just gone. I can't imagine that pain for a four year old to deal with.
Danny was my biggest worry going into this deployment, funnily enough. I worried he wouldn't remember Daniel. Boy was I wrong. Anytime we get to talk to Daniel or see him--Danny is all smiles. He kisses the phone or the computer and just bounces with excitement saying "Dad" over and over again. It fills my heart up to know Danny remembers his Dad. But then it kills me because he does look for Daniel, especially when Daniel first left. Sometimes when Daniel is on the phone, Danny will look around for him. Gutted ya'll. GUTTED.
And then there is me. I hold it together until after bedtime. Then I am just sad. And lonely. I try to keep myself busy during the day so I don't think about it, but at night--there is nothing to do BUT think about it. We still have awhile yet before Daniel comes home and it's hard to not count the seconds. Not just because we miss him, but because I am straight up exhausted. I need a break from my kids. A real one. A 24 hour break where I don't worry about anyone else's physical or emotional well-being but my own. I have been doing this by myself for over three months now, and basically by myself for 5. I am snapping at my kids and not sleeping well. I am just tired, in every sense of that word.
July whooped my butt emotionally. Now, it's a new month. I am hoping that with a new month comes a different mind set and some hope that things will get better or at least my attitude about them gets better.