Wednesday, February 15, 2017

A long time gone

I honestly, just don't have time for blogging anymore. Shorstack Sweets has really taken off and Daniel was gone again for 5 1/2 weeks. It's been BUSY here. But I am going to try to blog here and there about my life and the things going on, just not in as much frequency as I have prior. 

The past six weeks have been haaaaaaard.

Right after New Years, Daniel had to go to ALS. He was promoted to Staff Seargent while he was in Afghanistan, so when he came home, he had to go to leadership training. Oof. That was a hard transition on everyone.


Grace's attitude went STRAIGHT into the toilet and for the first time, so did Danny's.

He was able to come home some weekends, because training is in South Carolina which was only about 2 hours away from home. But he was gone all week and some weekends. After doing the deployment, it wasn't that difficult but it was trying. (Mainly trying my patience...)

But I haven't handled my grandpa dying with ease. I am quite angry at God but trying my very very best not to be. But carrying that anger (not just over my grandpa dying, he was just the catalyst) has put me in a crap-tastic mood. SUPER crappy mood. It seems, to me anyway, that everything bad that happened in the last year (many many things not chronicled here) were for suffering only. It feels like I am being picked on. WHICH SOUNDS SO SO SO SO SO STUPID. I know that's not how Heavenly Father works, I KNOW that. But man is it a hard feeling to get over the anger. Some days it's easy to let Satan whisper words of hate and anger into my ear. Some days I brush him right off my shoulder and sing Heavenly Fathers praises. I am trying to make sure the latter wins more days then loses.

Add that anger on top of the fact that Daniel and I have been trying to get pregnant since before he left on his deployment and then started back up again when he got home.

Still not pregnant.

I am now on medication to try and help because the doctor thinks there is an issue with my ovulation window. In the mean time, I have had to watch what seems to be EVERYONE get pregnant. My facebook is filled with pregnant bellies and pregnancy announcements. Some of whom started trying after us. It doesn't mean I am not RIDICULOUSLY happy for these people. Babies are a massive blessing from heaven and the purest form of Heavenly Fathers hands in our lives, I am happy for everyone who gets to be a co-creator with God. I also LOVE babies and the more babies people have, the more I get to hold. But it sucks because I want it to be MY pregnant belly and have my own little baby to hold. I know it's so selfish, and in the long scheme of things, it's not as long as many many others. I also have two healthy children at home. So I know what I have to be grateful for, and I AM. I SO SO AM. But it's hard to have a righteous desire and to have felt a STRONG prompting to start trying for the last piece to our puzzle, only to continually get negative pregnancy tests. It's depressing and adds to my crappy crap crap mood.

After speaking with my Bishop a few times, I am taking his advice and making a list, either mentally or physically, of the ways I see God's hand in my life each day. It can't just be the same old answers of "house, food, water, etc" it has to be specific things. That has really really helped me to be more positive.

This is all to say it's been a hard time here. But my attitude about it all is what makes the difference. I can either wallow or I can accept and be joyful. I am working very hard on being joyful. The days I put in the effort and swallow the hurt and anger, are the best days. I want every day to be the best day.  Sometimes the negative feelings rise up, but I eat some chocolate and move on.

Striving each day to be a little better.

(I don't think it's a coincidence that we are learning about Gordon B. Hinckley this year. He's "my" prophet & speaks to my soul--one way I have seen the hand of God in my life lately.)  

That's all any of us can do, right?

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